“We will often find compensation if we think more of what life has given us and less about what life has taken away.” William Barclay
Dementia is a horrific condition. However, like all great losses in life, there are small compensations and there is hope that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, pain and sorrow are temporary. My Father, who is both blind and suffering from a deteriorating mind, struggles to make sense of what goes on around him. There are lucid moments, primarily when talk of events that happened decades ago. Mostly, however, he is lost, confused and ‘seeing’ a reality that he can’t convince us exists. He HAD such a great mind- read prolifically, preferring history and other non-fiction and loved to discuss great ideas and events. It is painful to see him struggle to carry on a coherent dialogue. My mother and I took him with us when we went with one of my daughters and her husband to look at houses since they are preparing to move. We were talking about some houses that were listed in Syracuse. “How far are we from Manhattan,?” my Dad asked. “About 2,000 miles,” I responded without thinking.
Then it dawned on me. He grew up in upstate New York and Syracuse was the one familiar clue he latched onto from our conversations. Syracuse, New York. He can’t see where he is. But Syracuse, New York is a place he knows. I explained that we were in Syracuse, Utah, causing him to slip back into his broken world, wondering how he could possibly be in Utah. He struggles to latch onto the familiar while he works to piece together SOMETHING that makes sense.
As horrific as this must be for him and is for us, there is something precious that stands out to us. Although his brain and reason are being eaten away, the essence of his personality, the essence of who he is, bubbles up to the surface. Some of my grandchildren were visiting us and the oldest boy left with his friend’s family to get a ride to a scout meeting. My father became very agitated, questioning the children’s mother, wanting to know if she knew who had taken the children. My mother kept reassuring her no one had taken the children, that they were right here. But he wouldn’t leave it alone until my daughter assured him that she knew the family very well who had picked up her son and she would never let her children go with strangers. That calmed him down. We saw his characteristic concern for the children demonstrated.
Another time he worried about why Mom had been gone so long to shower, “because she wasn’t THAT dirty.” One night he was knocking on our bedroom door and when I got up to see what was wrong, he asked if we had a flashlight. “Yes, what do you need it for?” I asked. “My sister went across the street to take a shower and I want to check on her to make sure she is okay.” At that moment, my mother opened the bathroom door and assured him that SHE had been taking a shower and was done now and everything was fine. He has always been a worrier and although circumstances now confuse him, his worry over his family is still evident.
He frequently instructs my mother to give me money for groceries and gas. His lifetime habit of ‘caring for his own’ and ‘paying his own way’ continue despite the dementia. He has always been the protector of his family. There are brief windows of lucidity when he questions what is happening to him and he seems to grasp for a moment that he is dying of cancer. During those moments, he asks questions about the financial security of my mother, his wife of 63 years. He wants to make sure she has a place to live and is able to meet her needs. He wants to make sure that she will be okay and will be taken care of.
He has always had a wry sense of humor and enjoys a good joke. A couple times while discussing the fact that he and Mom are now living with us, after assuring him that we are not kidding, he comes out with, “Well, you’re in for trouble now.” He also has always loved the outdoors and nature. He gently pets my daughter’s tiny lap dog that snuggles on his lap and asks if the “little dog” is okay or needs to go out. He talks about the wonderful trip we had to Monterey this morning where we enjoyed a beautiful piece of coastline.
I wish he could see and have his sound mind and we could walk the dog and walk the rocky coast near Monterey again but I am grateful that at least his memories can carry him there and no matter what the cancer is doing to his brain, it cannot erase who he is. Most of all, I am grateful to a loving Heavenly Father and his son, Jesus Christ, who bore our grief and pain that it will be swallowed up in His victory over death and suffering. Our joyous reunion beyond the veil of death where we will see my father again and he will SEE and know us will be all the more glorious because we have watched his mind and body fail now. We will know the greatness of the gift of the resurrection of his mind and body to their perfect state and will rejoice together in gratitude and joy.
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